Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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