my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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