I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
