No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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