I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
