so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
