Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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