Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
