saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
