I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
