Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
