am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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