You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
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i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
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Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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