I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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