last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
