My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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