I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?