I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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