guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
then he tried to convert me to islam
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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