I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
