marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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