just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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