$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
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