Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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