Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize