I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
