im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Sober January is a disaster.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
