i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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