when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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