My Higher Power is John Stamos
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
