Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
