My underwear smells like fireworks.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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