just tell him i said nine months
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
