There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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