I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
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you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
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Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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