can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
