do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
