Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
