Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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