i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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