I have demons in me.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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