then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
