He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
