Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
