I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
