I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
