i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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