i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
