we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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