he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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