Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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