I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
