dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
