I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The ass gains better be worth it
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