Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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