i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
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No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
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N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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