somebody snuck up and got me drunk
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
