Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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