she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
