this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
